Kindness is Magic, Believe and the general state of being alone.

Things I have definitely learned about myself and current life experiences.

1: I need to be alone. Especially when I am distraught, pensive, or stressed. There are select people I allow in, because I can be difficult to understand. And at times downright cold, distant, and blunt. Most people can’t handle that because it is so contrasted with my usual upbeat, positive, and caring self. Not to say I am two different people nor do I have a personality disorder. It’s the way I cope. End of story. People who jump to the conclusion that it is their fault I’m not spending copious amounts of time with them are self absorbed, impatient, dramatic individuals I do not bother with. If I have a problem with anyone its made clear. It’s called communication. I do it, most mature individuals do as well.

2: In relation to #1 I am a private individual. There was a time in my youth I was far more open, sometimes recklessly. That type of naive trust put me in more trouble than I ever want to be again. Emotional turmoil is the worst trouble one can place ourselves in. That being said, there are many things I don’t post on here. There are many things I discuss with no one other than my therapist or even at that length another human being. I just don’t divulge every detail of my current emotional status to people I have just met. I require trust and repoire. Damage that trust or repoire an individual will find themselves distanced from me. I don’t cut people out, I give them opportunities to bring about trust between us. But if I find someone drama filled, self absorbed, unkind, sadistic or inconsiderate I will distance myself. I haven’t the time for it, hopefully they learn they don’t have to either. Frankly I just don’t put up with such fuckery. I have a close knit group of friends, people that have taken so much time to know me and I trust them because of it. I love all of these individuals, a greater part of my love for them is they understand how much I require my space. Understanding an individual will gain you so much trust. Never betray that beautiful followers. It can never return fully, if it returns at all.

3: I love humanity. I care. If someone is being treated poorly. Whether I know them or not I will become enraged. If you call yourself my friend and treat others poorly, don’t consider us friends. We are acquaintances. Life is incredible, awful, and euphorically wrecking. Please don’t make the day to day life of another person a nightmare. Life can be a fucking nightmare as it is. So knock that shit the fuck off, because you are a breathing screaming laughing living human being trying to make your way. Allow others the same justice. I can be cynical and far to realistic sometimes, but one thing i do believe in is the Good. There is good in most people(rapist,serial killers, child molesters excluded), draw that out of others. Treating someone else as poorly as another individual once treated you DOES NOT give you justice or self assurance. Hate does not beget hate. I learned this the hard way. Save yourself time, mental health, spiritual stagnation, and a whole world of pain by just not trying to seek personal vendettas and dramatic quarrels. Some people will behave shitty, its either because they are unaware or they would like to pretend they don’t know better. You are allowed to be disgusted. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be hurt. But what i would say you shouldn’t allow yourself to be is the same monster they have been to you. Be good. Be kind. Be unwavering. Give hugs. Give loves. Stand up to a brighter level of consciousness. Be a beacon of self growth and example. I know i just went sunday school on all yall, but in all seriousness. Seeking petty justice says nothing of the person(s) who wronged you, it only says things of you. Things that are indefinitely not true. I am not saying forgiveness is warranted for the wrong doer. It is important to forgive yourself, the situation, the pain, and the actions it may have taken to continue healing. Be kind to yourself first and being kind to others will come just as easily. When i say that, i know that it can be hard to be kind to yourself. But you are worth it, I promise.

4: When influential people pass on.

This week two amazing souls moved on from the world.

My surrogate grandfather, Glad.

Photo by Michelle Namauu

This man is the father to some of the most amazing individuals i know. He has greatly influenced my life in the most incredible ways. When I graduated from High School he helped give me a lot of direction. He was there for so many huge life events. From birthdays, to my sweet 16, to my sisters blessing, high school graduation, entry to college, and my so far art career success. My only regret is that he will not dance and bring his beautiful contagious smile to my wedding. But he will always remain in my heart. His memory will live on in all of his children who treat my sister and I like their own nieces. His wholehearted love and kindness will live on through all who were so lucky to know him. His wife Donna will always continue to remind me of who I would want to be as a wife and mother. She and Glad raised some amazing children who are successful, kind, and beautiful individuals who i am so lucky to have as mentors and loved ones.Thank you Glad for all you have done for our family. You are our family.Thank you for being a constant reminder of all that is good and beautiful. Friends are the Family you choose, thank you for having an incredible Son and Daughter-in-law who choose us. Family above all. I love you and will always keep your memory close to me.

"In these bodies we will live. In these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life. Awake my soul." -Mumford and Sons, Awake my soul.

Maya Angelou.

A Heroine. Thank you for the incredible example of what it is to be a phenomenal woman. You are what this world needed in so many ways. Mostly you taught that we are ALL what the world needs. There are no words for your passing but THANK YOU. THANK YOU. You have set a level of excellence in what it means to be human. May we all aspire to be more like you.

5: Strength to do more, alone.

2014 has been quite the roller coaster so far. Independence has been weird and liberating. So i guess I’m writing this for anyone and everyone. You can do anything. You are incredible. You are worthy.

Do not let what your parents, friends, or associates think bind you to a life that is with out your own happiness. Find what you love and go do it. On your own. Some of the hardest and most wonderful things are brought to us when we are alone. It will be okay. What I mean when I say that is, things won’t always be resolved. Pain will still happen. You will scrape your knees and shed tears. But life should move forward eventually. You can walk away taller, even if that taller is stumbling and laid with bruises. There are people who love you. People who believe in you. So now all you have to worry about is believing in yourself.

I know, easier said than done. But it can be. 

I am grateful right now for all of the people who have helped build me into who I am right now and who I will be. I am especially grateful that in the last year my self worth and the belief that I am worthy human being has made me more successful than any self loathing ever did. I have a long way to go, but i can only hope for that. More time to learn and more time to grow.

Okay I’m done being sappy and what not…

But seriously I love you all. 

Thanks for listening,

Martha

Summer time in the city.

Isn't my sister the cutest? I know right. This is from a couple of weeks ago. We busted out the sprinkler and water gun and played in the hot sun.
Amelie is four now...blows my mind everytime I think about it. One day I will watch her graduate from kindergarten, then 6th grade, then junior high, then the big high school graduation. The other day she said "I can't wait to 'con-gradu-macation' from high school. we will go to chilis with Joshie and Jordan. then i want to go to college like you". She is amazing. We are really different but i think if we were too much alike we would hate each other. Amelie is strong minded(more so than me) and has a will as strong as a thousand oxen. She will go so far in her life, she throws caution to the wind and has hope in absolutely everything. I want all things great for her. Sometimes I get to caught up in my crazy life; that I lose track of time and how much I don't have with her. She says it way to frequently when I come home "Lets (insert activity), I have lots of time. I keep it right here in my pocket". She is something else. Amelie is the greatest thing that has come into my life, from the moment my parents told me I was going to have a sibling to the day she was born. She loves me and I love her. I need to keep track of this time I have with her, because all time with our loved ones on this earth is limited. I am going to savor every bit of it.

Dear Blog...

I am so sorry I haven't wrote in so long...
my life is busy...
I know that isn't an excuse, but its the truth.
I need to start writing,
there is so much to update.
Too much inside that desperately needs be let out. I will be better.
Quick run down;

1. My sister is getting bigger and brighter everyday.

2. Kevin and I are doing great, he is wonderful and makes me smile.

3.I got to see my good friend Jo, she is going to have a baby. I am so happy for her.

4.Amelie had her first visit to the zoo. It was incredibly fun. I love my sister so much.

5. His name is Brady J. and I love him so much. He is one now and the cutest thing ever. He calls my dad mom.

6. Dad bought Amelie a dog. Dee calls it a gay bat. Her name is socks, she is a bad ass.

7. My mom and Amelie are some of my favorite people, they play pranks and tease. People used to say I looked like my mom and was her twin. Then amelie came along, they are so similiar it makes me laugh.

8. My hair is getting REALLY long, I missed it but now I am ready to cut it off again. Kevin loves it, boys don't understand long hair and how much shampoo and product it requires.

9. Cat Palmer took photos of my sister and I. She is an amazing photographer and person. I am so lucky to call her a friend. This one is my favorite, Amelie is something else huh?

10. I have had more success in my photography. I have people who follow my page on facebook. People pay me to take pictures and I wish I could do it every single day. One day, one day soon hopefully.


Well that is just the tip of the iceberg. I will write more, promise.

Things for mending...

Phone call after phone call.
2 am text messages of regret and anger.
I am passive. I try and try to mend us.
The seams are worn completely.
The tears cannot be fixed.
Patches fall off.
I iron, stitch, surge, and sew until my hands are raw and bleed.
My love I cannot fix it if you keep moving.
I do not mean to prick you with the pins...
I cannot focus over all of the yelling and tears.
I will always want to fix you.
I will always want to fix us.
I will always want...
Always. Always. Always.
Alas my machine has rusted.
The spool has run dry of that thread that I stitched every moment we had together.
The needles are broken and dull.
There are no more thimbles to protect my bare naked skin...
My hands are callused and strong from the mending...
But let me remind you, needles and pins still draw blood.
They still leave these scars of apologies and unquenched redemption.
These hands are worn and tired...
These hands will still love you...
These hands will always catch you...
These hands will always attempt to fix your restless body...
Always. Always. Always.

The Holiday Season

So I am well aware that this post is ridiculously delayed, but because you love you won't mind right?

This past holiday season was interesting...

My current boyfriend met my family for the first time on Thanksgiving. I met his. We were both super nervous but it went over well. 

Christmas was a blur. My aunts came into town for Christmas and we had celebration after celebration of birthdays and finally the big day, Christmas. 

I often start to forget what the holiday season is supposed to be about with all of the stress of finals and money for presents. Thats when the beautiful 3 year old sister I have reminds me of what truly matters.

Christmas seems to mean more now that there is a child in our home again. As adults we tend to turn the most beautiful things into stressors and things to be faught over.

For a child, it is simple. The way it was always meant to be. 

Even though the holidays tend to remind you of disfunctional ones family is, let us all keep this in mind.

We were all once 3 years who anticipated a holiday of some sort. With pure unrelented, untainted joy.

A personal goal for me this year is to savor every moment I have with this beautiful little girl. Because one day she will grow up, and won't run into my room on christmas morning cheering. One day stresses and distractions will taint her simple and pure perspective. Her soft skin will thicken and she will carry the worries of her world on her small shoulders. Now are moments that I will always cherish. One day remind her that once upon a time not to long ago, she once made her life as simple as princess gowns, cupcakes, snow angels, happy faces, tea parties, letters to santa claus and carrots for reindeer. So that hopefully she can keep it that simple. 

My brain hurts, my heart is full, and my stomach is quesy.

Its that time of year, no I am not talking christmas.
Finals.
For all of my fellow students this is for you.
Breathe deeply.
Try not to over do it on the caffine.
Eat food.
Drink water.
Try to find time for those that mean the most.
Remember why your pursuing an education.
If you procrastinated, like I did, learn from your mistakes.
This semsester is drawing to a close.
Make the next one even better.
Your education is for you.
Always remember that.

You can do it.

xoxo Martha

"I believe in music like some people believe in fairytales".-August Rush

So there is a professor of whom I don't particularly like, but today he said something that spoke to me.
Music transcends every other medium.
I agree entirely.
Lately music is all I think about, its the only thing that can truly describe what I feel lately.
When I sing or play one of my instruments all of me is there.
Its raw. Its undeniable. Its true.
The type of music I listen to frequently can tell you alot about how I am feeling.
Lately its a whole lot of Mumford and Sons or a little too much metal.
I am stressed. And Marcus Mumford's lyrics speak to me.
Plus their music kind of grabs you by the balls. Its wonderful.
I desire one day to be that musician that speaks to someone like myself.
Some one who may need to know that for 3 minutes and 15 seconds they are not alone.
I want my lyrics and melodies to take the words straight out of your head and into your chest.
So that one day you can tell someone how you feel, even if that some one is yourself.
One day the lyrics of a song can give you courage you lacked before.
One day it can give you comfort in a time of need.
All of us need reassuring at times, I pray my writing, my photos, my music, my art, and my voice to be a reassuring rock to rely upon.
I feel like music connects us as humans.
We may not know each other, our languages and cultures may be unknown to each other.
But music speaks to the mechanics of our hearts and bodies first, our minds later.
You don't have to know the words to a song, but you can dance.
Find your instrument. Find a way to express yourself. Help others do the same.
Make the cycle worth everyones while.
From the first cave man with a rock raised above his head, making grunts and distorted noises attemping to release the vibrations in his chest to form words and tell the world around him of his joy and pain.
To the modern man or woman with our head phones in, our car radios blasting, the mosh pits, live stadiums, casual coffee shops, prestigious concert halls, and our very own homes. Let music be a facilitator for Love and Understanding.
Make the connection, over and over again. Don't ever let it stop.

"And I will hold on hope,
And I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck,
And I'll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways,
I'll know my name as its called again."
-Mumford and Sons, The Cave