Pity Party.

The party;
Was a great success.
Many tears and much obscenities where spouted.
You pulled hair and I scratched.
It was petty and uncontrolled.
Your mother would have been so proud.
I'm just saying parties are ALWAYS more fun with another person.
The company was excellent, with your sailors mouth and my witty words.
The Hors D'oeuvres were excellent. Done in such taste, intricately painted on my wall.
The punch was used to baptize you,
to cleanse my conscious of your sins.
So heres a simple thank you note,
damn you and goodbye.
I shall take my coat now and seek the door.
Leaving you over my shoulder to scream and cry.
Yes. Goodbye Goodbye I hate you too.
But you see my head hurts not just from the wine but from the cocktails you made my nerves into. Sweet yet entirely raw and liable to led you to waking in another country naked with someone elses passport.
And i'm rather sleepy, so thank you.
Thank you for reminding me of why this party was such a success;
You will be finishing it alone.
Enjoy I hope your night and life end as well as mine will, without you.

Listen to Warm Whispers

Incongruence in the shade of flesh.

A tall, slender figure walks in the shadow of what used to be mine.
The turret of my entire sentiment is burned down as you embody your love for her.

A great tumult erupts within me as you say her name.
Its said with such concord,
I can hardly stand to see your eyes illuminate with affection
as you utter the syllables that mean nothing to me,
yet they shake the status of my entire being.

The fierce endeavor at which my only intention is;
to make you see that I have invariably waited for you
to the return to what once gave us both meaning to the words you and me.

My only dream is to return to the time when;
the one who occupied your silhouette was I.
. . .

Some Poetry

O sweet elixir,that covers my eyes
and steals my breath.
For one succinct moment,
I held you in my reserved embrace.
Casted in warmth and understanding,
Laughter and reverence,
Love and Pain.
Molded only for You and I.

1/2010
. . .

Vite.2/8/10

A sweet excruciation,
leaves me wilted and broken.
Tired and faded,
much like a photograph left in the blistering sun.
To soon to be forgotten,
To soon to be extinct.
Laboriousand weighted.
To walk the path that he has trod.
To follow meekly behind.
My thirst for rest is yet to be quenched.
On the brink of defeat,
I find comfort in a hand pulling me up, the path already trodden.
It is explicit and intoxicating.
Gentle and sweet.
The prize is won.
The line is near.
All that is left,
is for me to endure.

. . .

Full of tears and beans...

Today i realized why the month of July has always been so hard on me.
In this case, it was just before things went terribly wrong with the inner workings with my family and just before the suicide of my best friend and uncle nearly 3 years ago. I'm far to frequently reminded of these things during this time. It makes remembering to breathe extremely hard.

Today i found a note left in my journal from 2 years ago. Written to me when i was sitting in our honors English class, my long hair was draping my face. A sweet mask to keep my peers from seeing the grief on my face. We were discussing 'Death of a Salesmen'. I felt as if i was being ever so gently whipped with the insensitive comments of my peers. I wanted to scream, throw desks, and cry whilst at the same time explaining to them that they shouldn't take my behavior personally," i was just going through something."
My head was reeling, and suddenly the blank canvas of my beige colored-multi manufactured-district issued desk held a small white paper folded neatly into a square. I didn't look up to see who the sender was. I simply just stared in fear and awe. My thoughts were that my teacher wanted to speak to me and then i knew all hell would break loose and i wouldn't be able to keep myself from falling apart. I took a breath and opened the note with such force i thought it may rip. On it were the words: "I hope you are okay, don't worry I know it will pass soon. Your awesome :)". I carried the note with me all day and for the next few months in hung out in my journal. The person who wrote it is very near to my heart. They had no idea what I was going through, yet they knew i needed a reassurance that the ground was still beneath me and my head hadn't exploded.

Another experience much like this happened again just the other day, I was completely falling apart at the seams. My extended family has a habit of turning the ones who are VERY good to them into scapegoats. This time it was me. Again. I called a really good friend and he came to the rescue. I was allowed to cry and somewhat scream about it. He surrounded me with hugs and reassuring words. I kept saying "I just don't know what to do anymore..." I felt as if my hands where tied behind my back and i was taking kidney punches. His reply was; "You'll be fine. I know it. You are the only person I know who can deal with anything and be strong." He looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes and took me by my waist and scooped me into his arms and just hugged me. For once in a solid 6 months i felt like i might get through the night without crying or going without sleep. And i slept that night, finally. I felt safe in his words and friendship. I adore this boy, I'm so grateful to have him for a friend. He's brutally honest, which is something I value above all things.
Today, I've been attempting to keep it together and with the help of this friend I know that I can be full of tears and never full of beans. That its okay for me to go totally off when I've been hurt. Most of all its okay to upset about something beyond my control. The next few weeks look rough, but I'm high on life right now. I need to pump myself super up this month, because next month will be a total downer.

...Your warm whispers. Out of the dark they
carry my heart, Your warm whispers. Into the dawn they carry me through.
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk. That you stay surrounding me,
surrounding me...Honey, stay surrounding me...♥