My brain hurts, my heart is full, and my stomach is quesy.

Its that time of year, no I am not talking christmas.
Finals.
For all of my fellow students this is for you.
Breathe deeply.
Try not to over do it on the caffine.
Eat food.
Drink water.
Try to find time for those that mean the most.
Remember why your pursuing an education.
If you procrastinated, like I did, learn from your mistakes.
This semsester is drawing to a close.
Make the next one even better.
Your education is for you.
Always remember that.

You can do it.

xoxo Martha

"I believe in music like some people believe in fairytales".-August Rush

So there is a professor of whom I don't particularly like, but today he said something that spoke to me.
Music transcends every other medium.
I agree entirely.
Lately music is all I think about, its the only thing that can truly describe what I feel lately.
When I sing or play one of my instruments all of me is there.
Its raw. Its undeniable. Its true.
The type of music I listen to frequently can tell you alot about how I am feeling.
Lately its a whole lot of Mumford and Sons or a little too much metal.
I am stressed. And Marcus Mumford's lyrics speak to me.
Plus their music kind of grabs you by the balls. Its wonderful.
I desire one day to be that musician that speaks to someone like myself.
Some one who may need to know that for 3 minutes and 15 seconds they are not alone.
I want my lyrics and melodies to take the words straight out of your head and into your chest.
So that one day you can tell someone how you feel, even if that some one is yourself.
One day the lyrics of a song can give you courage you lacked before.
One day it can give you comfort in a time of need.
All of us need reassuring at times, I pray my writing, my photos, my music, my art, and my voice to be a reassuring rock to rely upon.
I feel like music connects us as humans.
We may not know each other, our languages and cultures may be unknown to each other.
But music speaks to the mechanics of our hearts and bodies first, our minds later.
You don't have to know the words to a song, but you can dance.
Find your instrument. Find a way to express yourself. Help others do the same.
Make the cycle worth everyones while.
From the first cave man with a rock raised above his head, making grunts and distorted noises attemping to release the vibrations in his chest to form words and tell the world around him of his joy and pain.
To the modern man or woman with our head phones in, our car radios blasting, the mosh pits, live stadiums, casual coffee shops, prestigious concert halls, and our very own homes. Let music be a facilitator for Love and Understanding.
Make the connection, over and over again. Don't ever let it stop.

"And I will hold on hope,
And I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck,
And I'll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways,
I'll know my name as its called again."
-Mumford and Sons, The Cave

When it rains it pours...

Stress.

Pain.

Frustration.

Tears.

Fatigue.

This is my life currently.

And the people who are supposed to support me are making these stressors 10x worse.

I need relief.

End of story.

Running.

I love to run. Sometimes it is all I have.

Its the closest thing to flying.

I ran yesterday to clear my head. It was one of my shorter runs, but it was wonderful.

It was pouring rain.

Slick hair, skin tickled with the mercy of rain.

My heart races, and the pain melts away.

There is only me, my legs, the pavement, &'Sigh No More'.

The battles of today seem lost with every step.

I am healed.

Rain. Running. Music.

These shoes fit me best.

When I throw on my running shoes and my music and just go until my body says no more.

I feel like I can do anything.

My mind is clear.

My heart is steadfast.

My intentions are pure.

When I run I feel free.

When I run I feel successful.

With every step all my worries, pain, busy thoughts, and agendas fall to the pavement and disintergrate.

I become the most worry free most will ever see me.

With my focus entirely on getting oxygen into my lungs, sending that through my bloodstream, sending the nutrient rich blood to the pumping muscles, I have no cares.

There is only this body, this heart, and this spirit to know how things are to be.

There is mearly me to find.

In every run the search goes farther and farther.

Deeper and deeper.

I learn more about myself in running than most other things.

During the run I have to be completely reliant on myself.

I breathe correctly, because I will it to.

I jog, because I will it to.

I sprint, because I will it to.

I move one foot in front of the other with the desire to overcome and endure.

Because I will it to. Nobody else. But I.

If I had not the courage to begin I would be unhappy and unfulfilled.

I came to this realization that I desire to spend my life running.

My success is measured in the endurance of the sport, the journey it will take, the pain and love that will befall me,crossing the finishline with all of the will my spirit has to offer, and stopping at the end to see how far I have come.

Strength is power with honor and faults.

This creed I will live by.

Even if it seems I am just mearly running. 

A penny for my thoughts...no, I'll sell them for a dollar...

It'a been a rough past few weeks...

The anniversary, a semi-falling out with a friend, school, production, choir, and my other side projects.

The days come and go where all I want to do is disappear from this city and into the woods.

Just to be entirely alone.

Alone to cry. Alone to think. Alone to dream. Alone to write.

Then there are days when I am perfectly content and secure in the busy whirlwind of my day.Both of these are luxurys I have.I came to the realization that I take it for granted.Slow I know, still the same I am learning.

I dream of the days when I will fly free and do everything I have ever aspired to.

Music is the only thing that make sense right now. That and writting.I am eternally grateful for music in my life. especially all of the musicans I am surrounded by.

Music gives me the inspiration to say how I feel.

I have the luxury of music and a whirlwind day. I am so grateful for these. I would be even more lost with out either of them. I am finding a lot of direction in my life currently, I am happy. Adjusting, but happy.

Sigh no more.

Serve God, Love me and mend...

This is not the end.

Live unbruised we are friends.

And I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

Sigh no more, no more

one foot in the sea, one foot on the shore

My heart was never pure.

And you know me.

And you know me.

And man is a giddy thing...

Love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,

It will set you free.

Be more like the man you were made to be.

There is a design,

an alignment to cry,

of my heart see,

The beauty of love as it was made to be...

-Mumford and Sons-

Today. August 25 2010.

Today i started school again...YAY!!

Actually it was extremely stressful and a little overwhelming.

But i am taking that all in stride.

One major thought I had was about education in general.

This was broken into three minor thoughts:

1. Education should be free.

2.Everyone deserves this opportunity.

3.Someday...

1.Education should be free:

Okay, so whos been a student lately? Its ridiculous the amount that students have to pay for an education these days. Thank God for financial aid, but some people aren't that lucky and don't get a scholarship or financial aid. Its a super unhappy median that I have seen to many of my amazing friends fall into. Our government only does so much, and its such an injustice to so many out there just trying to get a start on their education. For many students money makes it hard to start and finish school. Between tuition, fees,cost of living,books, laptops, and travel it all really just piles up. It can be really overwhelming. I am super lucky, but I know people who aren't and I feel for them. I try not to take my education for granted. I know I do sometimes, and I am trying to fix that.

2.Everyone deserves this opportunity.

Even the people who don't want it. I believe that education doesn't just nurture your brain, but I think it should prepare you to be a better person. I think that the things you learn in school should be things that won't just be useful in your career, but they should help you become a better brother,sister,mother,father,parent,child,friend,neighbor, and citizen. I see way to many people with high and mighty degrees who know NOTHING about being an actual person. I believe in community. Community means teaching, growing, LEARNING, and striving together as a group. Education should be our first start. One of the reasons I have really come to like SLCC. People come there from every walk of life. There are people there who are kids just like me starting school to help start our futures. There are people with families and who just want to make their lives better. There are people who are returning students who want to change careers or just be more comfortable. I see young men returning from missions and are just getting ready to adjust back to real life. There are students who aren't from this country who just want a decent education and this is what they can afford. Everyone deserves an education. To be allowed to have your mind enlightened is a gift. Again, I am lucky.

3.Someday...

I want to open a community learning center and school. Its one of my biggest dreams. I want it to be a place where anyone can come and be educated. I want it to be locally run. A true community endevor. i dream that AA meetings, help with depression, grief, and different support groups can be held. Crap happens, and its nice to be able to go to a place and meet people who you might never have anything in common with but perhaps you share the same vice,grief, or problems. It reminds us that we are all human. And we all bleed. One beautiful thing about the human spirit is that when one of us falls into the gutter,it is in our nature to help them out. Its what seperates us from the animals. If we don't help another out from time to time, then we are all in the gutter. I want this school to be a place for free thinking. For art and music to florish. For people to share their passions and successes. I want it to be a place where you can get information. Where you can know the best local spots for any of your needs. I really want this community center to help with our local economy in any way possible. I want this to be a welcoming, safe, fun, and helpful place. Full of caring and genuinly concerened people. This is my dream. I think about it everyday. I really hope it is something I achieve in my life time.

. . .

"I'm bringing sexy back..." "Knock it off! your fogging up the windows!"

My super special best friends are well...special.

My summer was a sasquatchgingerlumberjack filled summer.

You know who you are.

One of these two I have known for nearly three years, the other I met at the beginning of summer. This is by far the best trio I have ever been apart of. You take two of the most down to earth people, throw some Martha into the mix and BAM! You get us! They are great, truly.

We spent a lot of this summer together. Hiking and having all sorts of adventures.

The one though that brings a big smile to my face is the one in which were we stayed up late watching scary movies[descent], trying to keep sasquatch from breaking his kitchen cupboard and making fish fajitas. Even though my tall sasquatch nearly took my head off because I scared him, it was a fun time. Over all these two kids helped make my summer amazing. They are here for me. Especially when things got super rough there for a bit. We were talking about how rough things were, and one of us mentioned we kinda needed to redo this summer. I agree but disagree. Mainly because I would redo it because of how awesome it ended up being. But then I wouldn't because somethings that have come to pass and how things have turned out have made the three of us stronger people. I have a new confidence because of these people. They are awesome.

I look forward to more adventures with these mates.

From hiking,biking(eventually),traveling,camping,cooking,nerf wars,nutella,building random crap,scary movies,kettle corn,coffee,poetry,and virtual pinky swears.

I love them both deeply and am reminded daily of how lucky I am to have them in my life.

To my darling ginger and dearest sasquatch. I and. Love and. You.

End of summer...Remembering

So this will take quite a few posts to get done. So everyone put on your seat belts open those cans of coke and enjoy the ride.

The beginning of summer was interesting to me. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I was moving away from a group of friends and gaining a bunch of new ones. I had also had a pretty interesting and not very fun fall and spring. Needless to say when summer reared its head I was terrified. Lost with little direction. So I decided that if there was one thing I needed desperately was a change. i discovered a lot about myself. I was by myself quite a bit and really enjoyed it.

The people I met and sort of re-met.

I made some amazing new friends this summer. Friends I know I will want to be in my life forever.

My best friend introduced me to another friend of hers. The three of us bonded immediately. He is this tall Norwegian handy man and super outdoorsy cool. This is one of the greatest people i have ever met. Really generous, and really kind. Afraid of scary movies but that's alright with me. I am super lucky to have a friend like this in my life. He reminds me of how strong I really am and how I can survive anything life hands me. Its good to have someone like this to remind me to be myself. Pretty sure I can count on our trio for anything.

I made a reconnection with an old friend. She's amazing. I am really glad she and I have become closer. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Intelligent, kind, logical, an activist. One of those people I know are pushing the same direction I am. Fighting the good fight. I trust this person with so many of my feeling i hide from everyone else. She gives me loads of hope in everything. I know that no matter what I tell her there are no judgements. I am truly safe with this person. I am reminded of how it feels to be absolutely human. I can freely show raw emotions and thoughts. Having a friend like this means taking yourself apart piece by piece and willingly give it to another. Her example makes me want to be a better a person, friend, sister, daughter, neighbor, volunteer, student, and artist. This person believes in me and that means so much more than I could ever explain. Did I mention she introduced me to a truly beautiful person as well?

This amazing friend introduced me to a true free spirit. This guy is too cool for words. I felt an instant friendship with this boy. He's warm, friendly, and makes you feel super lucky to be yourself just because you know him. I met this kid the day before he set out on some amazing travels. He made me instantly want to go pack a bag and go where ever the wind blows. I wish I could be that free. I feel to often that I tie myself down before I even take flight. I used to blame this valley I live in but I know its my own insecurity. I am afraid of dreaming sometimes because the thing I fear even more is failure. If there is one thing I have learned from this amazing person is when you are yourself, allow your mind to be open, and love unconditionally you can fight any fear. He is someone who loves life and every single bit about the experience. I need to just get up and go. My adventure is waiting and meeting this kid has made me want to give it a head start!

I am jumping into my fall semester of college tomorrow. I am taking every opportunity I have at SLCC to learn and grow. I know there are two things that every bird needs, a nest and wings. I am learning here in Utah and it will always be my nest. SLCC will always be my first start to how I want my life to go. It will be where, when my story is being rewritten in 5 years that it all began. My education, my dreams, my failures, my hopes, my book, my music and most of all where I started to realize who I am and who I want to be.

Now this bird is anxious for her wings to spread free.

My life can be rough, but even in my pessimistic ways I tend to be an optimist.

It is not the size of a mans burden that determines his success or failure. That resides entirely in how he carries it.

Here I go, I am taking this leap and I am looking forward with as much guster as I can muster!

Wish me luck!
. . .

Pity Party.

The party;
Was a great success.
Many tears and much obscenities where spouted.
You pulled hair and I scratched.
It was petty and uncontrolled.
Your mother would have been so proud.
I'm just saying parties are ALWAYS more fun with another person.
The company was excellent, with your sailors mouth and my witty words.
The Hors D'oeuvres were excellent. Done in such taste, intricately painted on my wall.
The punch was used to baptize you,
to cleanse my conscious of your sins.
So heres a simple thank you note,
damn you and goodbye.
I shall take my coat now and seek the door.
Leaving you over my shoulder to scream and cry.
Yes. Goodbye Goodbye I hate you too.
But you see my head hurts not just from the wine but from the cocktails you made my nerves into. Sweet yet entirely raw and liable to led you to waking in another country naked with someone elses passport.
And i'm rather sleepy, so thank you.
Thank you for reminding me of why this party was such a success;
You will be finishing it alone.
Enjoy I hope your night and life end as well as mine will, without you.

Listen to Warm Whispers

Incongruence in the shade of flesh.

A tall, slender figure walks in the shadow of what used to be mine.
The turret of my entire sentiment is burned down as you embody your love for her.

A great tumult erupts within me as you say her name.
Its said with such concord,
I can hardly stand to see your eyes illuminate with affection
as you utter the syllables that mean nothing to me,
yet they shake the status of my entire being.

The fierce endeavor at which my only intention is;
to make you see that I have invariably waited for you
to the return to what once gave us both meaning to the words you and me.

My only dream is to return to the time when;
the one who occupied your silhouette was I.
. . .

Some Poetry

O sweet elixir,that covers my eyes
and steals my breath.
For one succinct moment,
I held you in my reserved embrace.
Casted in warmth and understanding,
Laughter and reverence,
Love and Pain.
Molded only for You and I.

1/2010
. . .

Vite.2/8/10

A sweet excruciation,
leaves me wilted and broken.
Tired and faded,
much like a photograph left in the blistering sun.
To soon to be forgotten,
To soon to be extinct.
Laboriousand weighted.
To walk the path that he has trod.
To follow meekly behind.
My thirst for rest is yet to be quenched.
On the brink of defeat,
I find comfort in a hand pulling me up, the path already trodden.
It is explicit and intoxicating.
Gentle and sweet.
The prize is won.
The line is near.
All that is left,
is for me to endure.

. . .

Full of tears and beans...

Today i realized why the month of July has always been so hard on me.
In this case, it was just before things went terribly wrong with the inner workings with my family and just before the suicide of my best friend and uncle nearly 3 years ago. I'm far to frequently reminded of these things during this time. It makes remembering to breathe extremely hard.

Today i found a note left in my journal from 2 years ago. Written to me when i was sitting in our honors English class, my long hair was draping my face. A sweet mask to keep my peers from seeing the grief on my face. We were discussing 'Death of a Salesmen'. I felt as if i was being ever so gently whipped with the insensitive comments of my peers. I wanted to scream, throw desks, and cry whilst at the same time explaining to them that they shouldn't take my behavior personally," i was just going through something."
My head was reeling, and suddenly the blank canvas of my beige colored-multi manufactured-district issued desk held a small white paper folded neatly into a square. I didn't look up to see who the sender was. I simply just stared in fear and awe. My thoughts were that my teacher wanted to speak to me and then i knew all hell would break loose and i wouldn't be able to keep myself from falling apart. I took a breath and opened the note with such force i thought it may rip. On it were the words: "I hope you are okay, don't worry I know it will pass soon. Your awesome :)". I carried the note with me all day and for the next few months in hung out in my journal. The person who wrote it is very near to my heart. They had no idea what I was going through, yet they knew i needed a reassurance that the ground was still beneath me and my head hadn't exploded.

Another experience much like this happened again just the other day, I was completely falling apart at the seams. My extended family has a habit of turning the ones who are VERY good to them into scapegoats. This time it was me. Again. I called a really good friend and he came to the rescue. I was allowed to cry and somewhat scream about it. He surrounded me with hugs and reassuring words. I kept saying "I just don't know what to do anymore..." I felt as if my hands where tied behind my back and i was taking kidney punches. His reply was; "You'll be fine. I know it. You are the only person I know who can deal with anything and be strong." He looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes and took me by my waist and scooped me into his arms and just hugged me. For once in a solid 6 months i felt like i might get through the night without crying or going without sleep. And i slept that night, finally. I felt safe in his words and friendship. I adore this boy, I'm so grateful to have him for a friend. He's brutally honest, which is something I value above all things.
Today, I've been attempting to keep it together and with the help of this friend I know that I can be full of tears and never full of beans. That its okay for me to go totally off when I've been hurt. Most of all its okay to upset about something beyond my control. The next few weeks look rough, but I'm high on life right now. I need to pump myself super up this month, because next month will be a total downer.

...Your warm whispers. Out of the dark they
carry my heart, Your warm whispers. Into the dawn they carry me through.
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk. That you stay surrounding me,
surrounding me...Honey, stay surrounding me...♥

Writing. Me. A Writer. Someday. Today.

I had a discussion with a young lady at lunch today. This girl has more talent and sweetness in one toe than i do in my entire being. We were discussing our majors and such. The topic of my ache to be a writer came up. I mentioned how i felt like there was a load of pressure for me to go to school to be a writer. I mentioned how discouraging this could be. As we were talking she said something very profound to me; "I'm pretty sure Jane Austen didn't go to school to learn to be a writer. She already had it in her." This statement has led me to have a little more hope in my writing. She mentioned how her husband does what he loves, and he has a degree in something he doesn't mind doing. I loved that. I could do so many things but I really love writing. It feels more right to me than talking. (and those of you who know me know how much i love talking)

I've always been able to express myself through my writing. If I'm not writing, I'm not breathing. Since lunch with this sweet young lady, I believe that I can do this. I'm excited! On the train ride home i wrote two poems and started on a chapter of my book. I'm grateful for the inspired people who tend to surround me. In a letter I received from one of my best friends, he said that i always seemed happier around certain people. I'm sure its true, but mainly I just LOVE people.

As absent minded as i can be, i still make an effort to see that the people i meet and come to call my friends, acquaintances, family, or even enemies are aware that i think they have a purpose and that they are important. Whether the purpose is serving me a cup of tea or giving me the time of day to vent about something that's upsetting me or making me happy, I would like them to know that they are appreciated. My best friend said that as human beings we NEED to be validated. I couldn't agree more. I know that when I've had a horrid day and someone opens the door or says thank you that I feel a little if not a great deal better. As people we don't validate each other enough, I'm guilty of this. I know that on more than one occasion I've gotten upset over something someones' done wrong instead of stepping back and saying "This person has made an effort to help of please me, and I should thank them. Even if what they've done isn't what I thought up in my head."

Lets face it, not everything I make up in my head is logical. Whats more important is that I, Martha Castillo, recognize the tender mercies that I'm graced with everyday. Starting with my family, then my friends, and then the strangers I meet on the street. Which are just the friends I've never met. So to everyone reading this, in the mind and heart of Martha Castillo, you are validated and appreciated. Why? One, because many of you who are reading this are the people who are the reason I'm here. You had more faith in me that I did, and you love me more than I can ever repay you. I'm the luckiest person ever, because of you. Two, because you're breathing. If you live, breathe, hurt, laugh, cry, dream, fail, succeed, believe, give, and take; well then you and I are the same. That means you have the same right as I do to be appreciated. And finally, Because I said so! Well that's the post for today, I'm still looking for topics. Email any you have to martha_castillo12@hotmail.com Big Love and Thanks!

-MC

Lets begin, My name is Martha...

Well, shall we start with introductions;

My name is Martha. I am a native of Salt Lake City, Utah. I am a young college student attempting to arrange and live my life to the very fullest. I am a writer at heart, it seems to be my only real talent.Even then I'm positive I've much to learn.

My recent trip to the nations capitol, I met very influential people. Who had a genuine interest in what I wanted to do. Being asked these questions I find myself at a loss for words. I just know I want to help people. I want to do it through my writing, my words, my art and my music. More than anything I want to do it through the way i live my life. I'm a huge advocate for service, I'm not looking for Thank Yous for the service I give. My only hope is that one day, the people I've helped recognize that "someone" helped them and that they be the "someone" to help another in need. Serving is something I believe we should all value, it is a priceless commodity we take for granted. It is something that binds us together as a Human race.

Enough about my ideals for a bit, you will hear more of them in the future. This blog is my attempt at public writing and feed back. I plan on it being just stream of thought and experience. I can guarantee that it will not always be serious or deep. It may just be the stories and adventures of occurrences in my daily life. Don't be too startled if you find blogs about my mates and I doing things that embarrass even us. I hope if anything you will relate, laugh, go and try it for yourself, or tell me how you would've done differently. Its entirely your choice, but your feedback and your interest is what I value. If you have suggestions about what i should post, or are wanting an opinion on something. if i have one I'm more than willing to give you my interpretation. I hope that I can benefit anyone with this blog other than myself. It is what I want to do with my life, I guess this is just a start and test run. If I want to help people through my writing might as well start now, right?

Here is my early thank you, for the future support and success of this blog.

It is genuinely appreciated. Truly.

-MC